How to Talk with Your Loved One About Their Substance Use

Many family members have great difficulty talking with a loved one about changing their substance use. It’s hard to know what to say, or how to best approach the topic. 

Past discussions may have resulted in arguments and there can be much tension in the relationship. Talking about substance use may immediately result in defensiveness by your loved one. Consequently, they may quickly want to shut you down and close their ears to what you are saying.

You may have heard about different treatment options and think one option, or several, might be a helpful thing for your loved one to consider, but you do not know how to talk about it with them. We’ll show you some strategies for how to begin and maintain a conversation about this difficult issue. 

For a comprehensive list of strategies on having this hard conversation, download the full guide here.

Remember that your primary goal when talking with your loved one is simply to get them to agree to talk. Often, the treatment solution staff is in the best position to fully explain the benefits to your loved one. Simply getting them on the phone with a trained coach or counselor is what you should focus on. It is important to keep that goal in mind at all times. 

If You’re Feeling Angry

Addiction is a family illness and as a result, everyone is affected by it. In particular, you may be angry at your loved one and past discussions with them may have not gone well. Screaming matches are not uncommon. If your anger comes through, a helpful discussion is obviously much less likely.

Consequently, before talking with your loved one, it will be so helpful to try to put your anger aside, even if just temporarily. Their addiction may have impacted and affected you, but hurting you was never — and is not — their intention. In fact, they have very likely hurt themselves more than they have hurt you. They have not chosen to become addicted; rather, addiction has grabbed them. Try to remember this when you talk to them. They are suffering and due to addiction, their brains have been compromised. Try to view them as ill, and strive to treat them compassionately and without judgment. Keep calm at all times, even if you don’t like what you hear.

If You’re Feeling Scared or Desperate

It is also possible that you are feeling terrified and overwhelmed. These are also common feelings to experience when a loved one has a substance use disorder. However, when talking with them, try to keep these feelings in check. If you do not, you may find yourself pressing too hard for your loved one to follow your wishes, and that can backfire. Insisting that your loved one does something to satisfy you could push them away and create defensiveness.

People want to have a choice and to be in control, and talking with your loved one can be far more constructive when you place the control in their hands. Try to talk in a relaxed and matter of fact way. You can make suggestions, but be mindful that what your loved one decides to do is up to them.

Looking for more advice on having the hard conversation? Download our full guide Talking With a Loved One About Substance Use